The intriguing thing about New York–and I discovered this upon my first visit here ten years ago–is that it is virtually exactly the same as you imagine it will be. Like most people, I grew up inundated with images of the city, usually projected onto large screens, so long before I ever got here that I knew what the skyline looked like, and what it was like to cross the street in Manhattan into an oncoming wave of pedestrians. I knew that the roads were filled with yellow taxis and there would be steam rising up through the subway shafts. It really is just the way you think and hope it will be, minus the oversized gorilla rampaging through the streets and plucking distressed damsels from skyscrapers.
However, next week will mark three months since I moved to New York City, and I have to say that as times goes on you discover there are a few notions about the place that are simply false. So here I am to dispel a few myths.

First, New Yorkers are not always in a hurry. There is not a frantic wave of pedestrians surging forth at tsunami speed, all of whose members are determined to get there first. In fact, New Yorkers walk very…fucking…slowly. The later you are for work, the slower they will walk. If construction has forced a sidewalk to reduce to fifty percent of its usual width, meaning less space to squeeze by, they will walk even slower. If the “walk” signal is about to change to “don’t walk”, they will walk slower still. If the entire future of mankind rested on New Yorkers walking at even a reasonable pace . . . well, you can be sure we wouldn’t have to worry about global warming anymore.

Second, and this one is perhaps more obvious, New York is not a big apple.

Third, New York is not host, as was recently claimed, to America’s worst drivers. That dubious distinction belongs to Boston, and always will.

Fourth, and this one has been especially disappointing to me, you will not see famous people on the streets of New York. The only time that you will see Julianne Moore strolling down 5th Avenue enjoying ice cream with her kids is in the pages of People magazine. You will never see celebrities in candid “hey, celebs are just like us!” moments on the streets of New York.

People who lived in Greenwich Village in the 1970s, 1980s, or even early 1990s should pay special heed to this next one: the Village is not a bohemian oasis where art and alternative lifestyles thrive. It is dirty, smelly, and full of drunk frat boys and homeless people. There is a good chance if you go there you will leave with someone else’s blood, vomit, or urine on your person. Let go of the past.

The sixth myth is one I must clear up as I am now technically a resident: New Yorkers are not unfriendly. That’s all I have to say on that subject.

The seventh and final myth I’d like to dispel is this: New York cab drivers aren’t crazy, they are just enthusiastic. I’m tired of hearing complaints about the perilous nature with which they conduct their profession. We pay them to get us from A to B, and by God they will get us there in as little time as possible, often in a straight line, especially when a straight line is not possible/safe/legal. Who are we to criticize this courageous zealousness??? So what if pedestrians must occasionally perish at the hands of their efficiency?

Frankly, if they had walked faster when crossing the street this wouldn’t be a problem.

–Julia Clarke