Like sand through the hourglass, gone are “The Days of Our Lives.” Fox’s “’Til Death” has officially parted, and before we know it “Lost” will be living up to its name.

In case you hadn’t heard, the Writers Guild of America has instituted a strike. Members are demanding rightful compensation for money made through DVD sales and the internet downloads of their efforts, and until their demands are met, they’re not writing. In the land of money and television, it all sounds fair enough in theory. But striking? Could there be a more un-American course of action? Think of a country that doesn’t like to work, and who comes to mind first: our sojourn-loving adversaries, the French, or we hardworking Americans?

A major cultural revolution is afoot! It’s simply taken for granted each summer that French lorry drivers will take a break from the job to block up roads and ports, and deny many a poor European two out of their eight or so weeks of annual vacation. But we Americans generously give back a massive 1.6 million years of unused vacation time to our employers every year. Not only has an American industry taken a leaf out of the enemy’s book, they’ve turned it into a crappy made-for-TV adaptation and transmitted it right into the center of our broken hearts by depriving us of our late night shows and doctor dramas with hip indie soundtracks!

What will I do on Thursday nights without the long agonized glances exchanged between Grey’s Anatomy’s Derek and Meredith (Deredith) as The Fray play on in the background?

Presidential hopeful Stephen Colbert could be rendered as verbally incompetent as our own real-life president. Hell, “The Word” will probably be just that: one word. David Letterman meanwhile will be left with his proverbial trousers down reading his grocery list in lieu of the “Top Ten.” Canned ham anyone?

From the green statue that greets our nation’s visitors, to the delicious side order of crispy fried potatoes we’re offered with every burger, the Francofication of America is spiraling out of control! Before you know it, we’ll be pouring maple syrup on our crepes in the morning, ordering a Royale with Cheese at McDonald’s, and our very own president will succeed in his courageous effort to set a record for vacation days taken while in office. Or has he already?

But fear not, there is hope. Through their most unpatriotic action, the WGA are inadvertently upholding another great American pastime: reality television. Ladies and gentlemen take solace, America’s most questionable contribution to popular culture needs no scripted lines!

While more refined, scripted shows go the way of the French, America’s appetite for “reality” shows may finally be satiated in the coming months. Face it, no matter how great the script, Fear Factor’s contestants wouldn’t be able to read their lines with a mouthful of cockroaches anyway. And what comedy writer could possibly beat Sharon Osborne lobbing a ham over the wall into the neighbor’s yard? The absence of scripts has allowed Jessica Simpson to mistake an aquatic vertebrate for domesticated foul, and gave viewers hope when Danny Bonaduce attempted suicide. (Then snatched it away when he failed.)

Alas, it’s true that one of Celebreality’s deities has this week suffered somewhat of a setback, and that’s The Dog. Duane “Dog” Chapman, bounty hunter to the less fortunate, is notably absent from our ever-shrinking nightly TV roster after some publicized comments that would make Don Imus himself cringe. But worry not, he’ll no doubt have a Kumbaya session with Al Sharpton, take a long vacation, and return refreshed in 2008 for a new season which will feature the mullet-wielding 18-time criminal offender boldly risking his toned physique to chase down similarly-minded criminals in return for large sums of money. Vive le fromage!

–Julia Clarke